Earlier, I wrote about a pattern in my life that keeps coming up, and it’s modeled after three days in November of 2012 in which we celebrated my Mom’s last Christmas, mourned her death, and focused on her new life in Heaven. Now I find I go through these seasons over and over; times of rejoicing, letting things go, and finding new hope for the future. It feels like I’m on a merry-go-round, but it’s probably more like a marathon, with hills and valleys and easy-ish times and more challenging ones, and hopefully I’m making progress as I go.
Two days ago, I crossed a major bucket list item off of my list, as I performed non-churchy music at an outdoor concert series in my town. The place was full of the warmest, kindest people and they were so receptive and supportive. There were twinkling lights and really good food, and music, and people were sharing their gifts, and there was cheer and before I knew it, I thought… it’s Christmas!
The next day, I sang at a funeral, and I watched people as they had to say goodbye to their brother, Dad, and grandfather. And it’s the hardest thing we have to do as humans probably, but it’s so holy to be in the presence of people doing that. God is so, so close. When I am singing during a funeral, most of the time I have some separation between me and the family. I’m not actively mourning, but I always get looped in somehow. There is an intimacy that happens, and I’m not sure if it’s about music or family or what, but I always cry with them. Letting go is so hard.
I left there and went straight to a retreat house, where I hope to birth something new in my spirit or on paper. But you can’t open a new door when you haven’t closed the last one, and I’m having trouble with that today. Moving from one thing to the next is how we get through, but closing doors and chapters, even when they were never truly open to begin with, is the sticky stuff for sure.